In my head

[galadriel1010]

You may be aware, or you may not, but I have a somewhat odd relationship with my beliefs. I'm a pelagianist christian (I have a word for it now!), which is a school of belief which was popular in the Celtic Church prior to the Synod of Whitby, and basically means that I don't believe in original sin or predestination, but that Jesus came to offer us atonement for our sins and to show us the right way of living. Since Pelagianism was condemned in 418, I'm not 100% sure where they stood on individual rules, so I have done a bit of making it up as I go along and go along with the general principal of "if it's hurting someone else, it's bad. If it's got the potential to hrut someone else it's not good. If it's not hurting anyone else or likely to hurt anyone else then it's fine, and if it's beneficial to someone else then it's something to aim for".

I feel like I'm being called, actually. This is not what this post was going to be about. This post was going to be about my occasional suicidal thoughts, but this is really fucking weird and needs to be talked about. God wants me to be a vicar. Me, really? I'm a walking schism!

I can't describe this at all. It is the strangest, most terrifying feeling. Somewhere between standing on the edge of a cliff and hearing the back of your mind telling you to jump, and waiting for exam results to come out, but nothing like either of those.

Confused now.

Comments

[jolinarjackson.livejournal.com]

I'm a bit confused, too, and not entirely sure if I understood that correctly, so cut me some slack:

Maybe you just see something in that belief. That doesn't mean that you should become a vicar (but if you want to, you should, of course). Maybe, somewhere, you want to act on that belief or, you know, just do more about it, study it or something like that. Maybe that's a hint from your mind that you need to learn more about it or act on it just now, because of your suicidal thoughts (I'm worried - is there something you want to talk about?).

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

Regarding the vicar thing, it's something I've felt for several years that I'm supposed to be doing, which is odd as I don't exactly believe in interventionism. It's a sort of "I don't believe in interventionism", "Ah, but interventionism believes in you" thing.

And the suicidal thoughts usually run as far as "this is going wrong, I should restart. Wait, life is not a computer game..." I'm having issues with believing in love and not having much or a purpose at the moment.

All things considered, I could just be having an early-onset mid-life crisis.

[jolinarjackson.livejournal.com]

I feel pretty much the same way at the moment. I believe in love but I don't have any luck with it. I'm pretty sure I decided to go to the UK for a year to get out of my life and restart. It won't work that way of course, but it's worth a try.

It'll get better, I hope.

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

My mum's been threatening to leave my dad as long as I can remember, and my closest grandparent was widowed before my parents met, so I have a somewhat jaded view of love that I'm struggling to get past at the moment.

[jolinarjackson.livejournal.com]

I think there's always a difference between love and making a relationship work. My mom raised me on her own, too, and she never had any luck with men. But I know that there are well-going relationships out there.

As I see it: Love's easy, relationships aren't. They're work, but it can work out.

[beesandbrews.livejournal.com]

If you feel you have a calling then you should explore it. Talk to those who have taken the path to ordination and see if it's for you.

It could be once you have the major life issue sorted, love will work itself out.

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

This is what I'm thinking too. It's just daunting.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

I'd say go and explore that one - I've learned that God works in mysterious ways but, more importantly, honours his promises - I will provide... God is love after all

I planned on signing on (this was in 1997 or so) with a local missions agency for a year in the office - my gap year so to speak - before going back to paid employment. They wanted two years minimum commitment and, after prayer and discussion with hubby (after all, he'd be the one supporting me)... signed up for two year. The director I worked for felt free enough to leave me alone for 3 months to go on a course in the US... he brought back a wife. I'm convinced if I'd not signed up for that second year, he'd not met her!

btw I'd previously investigated another agency but that was a dead end... so don't give up if you hit a wall the first time of asking :D

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

Thanks :D I'm not remotely ready yet (I don't care what he thinks; a girl who can't pick up a telephone and doesn't go to church regularly is not in the right place in her life to consider taking that path), but that's reassuring.

One of my problems is that I don't exactly agree with the church's position on some things. There haven't been pelagiastic churches since the 6th century lol.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

I'm an active member in a Baptist Church and you've read my writing? I'd say they'd not agree with me on some stances either but as far as I can see it, Jesus summed the commandments up as Love God and Love your Neighbour - (I was a born again Christian long before I discovered Torchwood and fanfiction and slash and I'm sure that God will be part of my life long after Captain Jack has stopped swaggering and saving the world) - I've learned to fight my battles - which hill I die on - getting in deep discussions about certain issues will never work

all the best on your journey... and if you want an ear / a shoulder - mine's on offer :D

[fide-et-spe.livejournal.com]

Can I just say I look forward to hearing your "Thought for the Day" in a few years time. You can also be one of the first women Bishops! If you do want to, you should go for it, it's a pretty good career, you get to help people, work in some lovely buildings...

[fiwen1010.livejournal.com]

That would be awesome. They'd have to allow gay bishops first, though. Like I said, I'd be a walking schism!