Isn't Worth Living: Chapter 1

[galadriel1010]

Author's Note: AU rewritey bit, plus fluff. Where on Earth is this going? Well we know, but they don't. If you like, please review. It won't make me write any more or less, but everyone likes to feel loved :) Especially Jack

I apologise for the abstract bit. It was 2 in the morning and it made me laugh, so I put it in. I won't argue with inspiration when it comes.

He gave orders confidently, hiding his own terror behind layers of flirting and assurance, but he couldn’t hide it from himself. He prayed to a God he’d never even known about until he met her that He’d keep her safe, that she’d get out of this alive. He knew that he wouldn’t, but she was so young, she couldn’t die like this, not with all the wonders of life and the universe ahead of her.

People were looking to him for guidance, for a hero, how the Hell had that happened? What he’d said to the Doctor, it wasn’t true, he was safer as a coward, but he’d never have known this wonderful mix of pain and pleasure that was falling in love, falling so hard that there was no return. Jack only half paid attention to the communications flying around, his training enabling him to pick out what was relevant to his defences and filter out what wasn’t, so he heard when Lynda told them that the Daleks were on the ship, but he listened fully in horror when she said that they were going down as well as up.

“Please, no.” He begged silently, not wanting anyone else to see his terror when they relied on him, but almost unable to control it, so strong was the urge to break down and scream. She was going to die and there was nothing he could do. Down on the bottom level people started screaming, which meant that the monsters had arrived. He struggled to hear her voice, but he knew it was useless because she wouldn’t scream. But he heard her, yelling above them all,

“Will you please SHUT UP! Thank you. We’re all going to die, but we can at least do it quietly.”

“You will be extermin…”

“Yeah, yeah, I had kinda guessed. But you know what, it doesn’t matter, not for me, because I know I won’t see Jack again whether I survive or not, and without him life wouldn’t be worth living. There’s a difference between living and existing, and I don’t want to exist without him, I want to live or die with him, because a life without love isn’t worth living.” Her voice was full of fear, and pain but still so strong, and so full of love. Jack knew what was coming and wished that the communications channels would be shut off, so he wouldn’t have to hear what came next, but there was no escaping it.

”Then live no more.” The sound of a blast from a Dalek weapon rang out and he knew she was gone, because a part of him had just died.

He sobbed awake and felt the tears already soaking the pillow beneath his head. The pain was still so close, a never-ending part of him that just cut afresh every day without her. In all the years she’d been gone he’d never truly moved on, because he couldn’t. How did you move on from someone who hadn’t even been born yet, who you knew you would see laughing happily with you one day? Now the times when he could see her were gone, in her timeline she was gone, he’d found her friends and told them, and now the void had truly hit him. It was like he’d only really lost her a couple of years ago.

The agony consumed him again and he cried, waves of pain consuming his whole being. He didn’t feel the strong arms gathering him up, or hear the soothing words his friend muttered into his hair as he cried. It was a long time before he realised that he wasn’t alone, and when he did he was embarrassed and pulled away. Ianto watched him in concern and indicated the glass of water he’d placed on the bedside table. Jack took it gratefully and stared into it, as though wishing he could lose himself in it. After a while he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then looked up at Ianto properly for the first time, “Thanks.” The younger man just nodded and settled down on the bed in a way that indicated that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, for which Jack was grateful. “Well that was… weird.” He said after another long pause when he finally trusted himself to say more than one word.

“Weird in what way?” Ianto asked

“How many ways are there for a dream to be weird?” he pondered, avoiding the question.

He was grateful again when the young Welshman went with the flow, “Well, there’s the ‘that hasn’t happened yet but wouldn’t it be cool if it did?’ the ‘that happened yesterday but not quite like that’, the ‘that’s frankly impossible or highly improbable’ and the old favourite, ‘I had too much cheese last night’ type of weird.”

“Does cheese really give weird dreams?”

“I don’t know, I avoid it on principle because my dreams are weird enough. You know, pterodactyls flying around under Cardiff, aliens living in the sewers, nuclear warheads turning into baby whales and geraniums.”

“I always wondered about the geraniums myself.”

“Any dream which involves geraniums must be beyond the usual weird.”

“Yeah…”

“It’s a rule I’ve lived by all my life.” He added.

“Have you ever had cause to use it?” Jack asked, intrigued

“Once.” His face was unreadable, so Jack took the plunge

“Oh?”

“Yes, about a minute ago, actually. It came up in conversation.” He finally gave up and laughed out loud at the bemused expression in his friend’s face, “Sorry, I shouldn’t go abstract at this time of the morning.”

Jack smiled tensely but genuinely and shuffled backwards to lean on the wall behind the bed, so Ianto swung properly onto the bed and propped himself up in a reversal of their usual positions. The thought made them both smile simultaneously and then laugh out loud; Jack could feel the tension ebbing away in the companionship. He reached across to his bedside table and grabbed a bar of dark chocolate from on top of his book and broke a piece off, passing the rest to Ianto, who did the same. Finally, as if as an afterthought, Jack glanced at the clock, did an amusing double take and swore.

“Did I wake you?” He asked guiltily

“Yes, but I wasn’t sleeping properly anyway. You’re not about to apologise are you?” The look on Jack’s face told him that he was, “Well, don’t. After the number of times I’ve woken you, it’s only fair.” He smiled gently, trying to reassure his friend.

“Yeah, but I’m supposed to look after you, not the other way around.”

“On what grounds?” Ianto raised an eyebrow and tried to hide a smirk when Jack adopted his defeated expression. “We’re friends, we’re here for each other. Especially, I note, at two in the morning. And, face it, if you hadn’t woken me I would have woken you. It must be your turn.” He was relieved when Jack smiled slightly again, “So, are you going to tell me what’s up?”

“Jasmine.” He tipped his head back and scowled when it bounced off the wall behind him. Rubbing his head he met Ianto’s eyes again and saw that the young man was hurting for him, he felt like a heel, “Sorry, I just don’t seem to be able to shake her these days. I guess, I just don’t know really. She’s been dead for over one hundred and forty years for me, but last time I saw her was just a couple of years ago. It’s so weird.”

“How did you see her?”

“Time travel, we were travelling together and ended up in Cardiff. And I sort of stumbled across her on her own. She didn’t see me though. She was so brave, a heroine right to the end. But I’m glad I came back instead of her, because I wouldn’t wish immortality on my worst enemy.”

“If you could become mortal, if you could die today, would you?”

“If I could become mortal, yes. But die today, no. I’m not ready.” They sat in silence for a while, each lost in his own thoughts before Jack set the now empty glass on the table and grabbed another lump of chocolate, “I dreamt about her dying, I remembered it really. Her final words.”

“What were they?” Ianto asked, worried by the far-away look on Jack’s face

“A life without love isn’t worth living.” Jack seemed to return to the here and now and looked at Ianto again, “She really believed it. She could have saved herself, she could have lived, but she didn’t want to live without me. I’ve never felt more in love or more guilty, especially when I came back.”

“Do you agree with her?”

“Oh yes, every day. It’s all that kept me going sometimes, kept me living. Because once I stopped loving, I don’t think I’d ever be able to start again.” The look in his eyes was unreadable but he held his hand out to Ianto who took it without hesitation, “Stay here for the rest of the night?”

Ianto just nodded and surprised Jack by moving around to lean against him. Still, he didn’t seem to be complaining as he wrapped an arm around Ianto’s waist and pulled the covers over them both. The younger man curled himself against the immortal captain and held him as they both drifted off to sleep again.